SELF HELP BOOKS - PORN

The next thing I would like to blog on is "self help books" I'm looking for a title that reads "How to stop reading Self Help books and start Living" Think I'll find it? Here's my guess, "Not a chance!"

So, if you know my schtick it is SELF HELP PORN.

TOO MUCH, WAY TO MUCH!

I've read so many "self help" books that by now I should be a shrink...I should have letters after my name i.e. Ceri B.A.D.A.S.S. yeah, call me negative Nancy, doubting Debbie, mad Meg or serious Ceri.

What I want to know is this: How many books do I need to read before I can be good, accepted, beautiful, sweet, kind, generous, Mother Theresa, Buddha, or know if I've had a really good orgasm or if I'm living the moment or spending too much time on the past or future? Yeah, I know I never saved for my future and to celebrate, I'm taking a quick course in "shopping cart mechanics"

I think - as I was drifting off to sleep last night - that I had an epiphany, what do I really want? I began by mumbling to myself...why do I like listening to Hey Eugene by Pink Martini?

Why do I like cheeky songs that make me feel rebellious? Love songs that make me remember?

Why am I thinking more and more that I want to escape the city and move into seclusion?

Why do I feel so cranky?

Epiphany - 'cause that's just who I am...live with it.

Oh and "NO MORE SELF HELP BOOKS!"

Porn - still don't get it?

O.K. I'll try to explain...porn is not naked people...no, it's not...porn is what happens when free range thinking becomes trapped in a zone of over zealousness and, addictive behaviour is the result...when rational thinking is tossed over for another hit of what makes you forget...uh huh, you heard me...I said forget.

Know why? I'll tell ya why. 'cause we all have something we need to forget...we all need shelter from the storm of daily discomfort we put ourselves through. Mmmmm yeah, now you are with me, right?

Know how I know? I've been addicted to every form of escapism on the planet at some time in my life...when reality and responsibility are stuffed into a dark closet and the door locked on them. Those days were wonderful...and, being human and excruciatingly honest, I must admit, not entirely over...and, that's how I know. Been there, am there and until my ego is nothing but a shrivelled bit of mushroom manure (hopefully magic mushrooms Alice) will continue to be there.

I even believe that life threatening illness is a form of escapism...more on that later...yawn, I'm tired now...time to crawl into my escape hatch and dream of this and that. (Don't even try to guess)

hello Dutch...

haven't seen you round for a while...be stayin' long? Who ya seen, where ya been?

Yeah you , I mean you...why ya lookin' so scared Dutch? Ahhh, now you're smilin'...somethin' I said funny? ...or is that just nerves, yeah nerves, sooner or later it gets to all of us Dutch, but it looks like it got to you sooner than later. Oh, don't worry Dutch, no one here is lookin' for a small fry like you...nah, you're not the one we're after, we're after the big one Dutch, yeah that's right, the big one. Here, let me light that for ya, Dutch...there now...seen anyone big around here Dutch? Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but if you see anyone big, you'll let me know, right dutch?

Pet Porn - yeah, that's right...pet porn!

Let's not forget our furry friends, you know the ones...the ones that you purchased from a breeder...not the foundling that your soft hearted neighbours picked up.

Yours is the one that yaps and yips incessantly during ....well...all the time. Piddles on your rugs, in your shoes (after chewing them) costs thousands at the vets, fits in your purse, you wear him like an accessory, that one...you leave your kid with a sitter but pop the puppy in your bag and carry him everywhere.

That's pet porn...

FOOD PORN - pimp my dinner

I almost forgot!

Food Porn - yipes - here we go, dress for dinner set the table, eat el fresco, pimp my dinner, so, you will starve unless your food looks a certain way?

It's the Presidential economics building, built in waste (waist) scheme...go shopping, get the big gulp or for those with more delicate tendancies, the more you pay for a dine out experience the less you get...and it isn't even good for you.

For example, 4 oz of protien with a steamed pea pod and a miniature carrot on the side...isn't good nutrition, no matter how pretty it looks. How 'bout a bowl of stir fried veggies and a small bowl of brown rice washed down with water from a tap...yeah, water comes out of the tap in your kitchen and you can actually drink it...you are just used to someone else turning on the tap and putting plastic around your water before you drink it.

Sheesh people!

House Porn

Uh oh...we're addicted again...yup, as an addictive society we've become addicted to "house porn".

What's house porn? It's the need to have the most beautiful, up to the minute, better than the "Jones's" super, duper, big gulp, spike heeled, nip'd, tuck'd, lotsa make-up and jewelry, watch HGTVbuy the glossy mag, pay the highest price, build palatially, 7 car garage, pool and cabana boy, stretch your budget...roof over your head. Gotta have it, can't live without it, it's more important than my kids, I'll work till I drop for it, place to put my things. Ever watch Colin and Justin? Perfect examples of House Porn Pimps...just look again, you'll see what I mean!

Stuff porn - so much stuff that we need to rent storage unit(s) to house our stuff...that no-one will buy from you because they have the same "stuff" that they need to store and cannot bring themselves to give away as they know how much they paid for it.

Car porn - that's an easy one...ego, ego, ego...on for lumps of rubber with air inside.

Holiday porn - going away to.....why? to get away from the mansion with the "full-0-bills" mailbox? You mean the mansion that you have exactly the way you said you want it, isn't nice enough for you to enjoy on a few days off work (that you go to daily to pay for it)? What?

Call me really, really slow, but I d o n ' t g e t i t!

Lay me down on the cold ground...

No dress rehearsal, this is our life.
feverish dream
you are ahead by a century
and disappointing you is getting me down
there in the morning shroud
rain fell through the night
hornet stung me
a serious dream
tonight we smoke them out
I pray that you will pick me up
and enfold me in your warm arms
A world made of angry people
Sunshine
I need oxygen

Forgive you? Yes. Forget you? No.

You are everything beautiful to me.

You rock my world.

You give me shelter.

You saved me.

So, goodbye if you must leave and my love is with you always. Happy trails and puppy dog tails to you my friend, my dear, dear friend.

It was absolutely stupendous.

just a little bit o this and a little bit o that

So, if you like trees, like I do, you can forgive that these trees are not naturally occurring, rather deliberately planted to create an imposing approach to the manor.

Here is a question: Do you think that the gardener planting these as saplings, had any idea how they would grow to be so very tall? ...so stately and dramatic?

Old Red Eye is Dead

First, click on the image to enlarge, then notice how the pupil dilates ever so slightly : )
So, there I was alone in a strange city. I was dead tired and had really scrambled to get myself out of the hotel bed that morning. The snow had cleared and the sun shone painfully into our eyes as we drove down the highway to work.
People, swarming around, I'd just finished a 15 minute schmooz and was gathering wind for the next onslaught. I raised my gaze and saw a man walking in our direction. As he closed in he locked his gaze on mine and continued forward. He was huge, it was like a building moving towards me, something made me think familiarity, Tony Soprano, no, more familiar....he stopped about 24" in front of me..."Hi," simply put. "Hi," I got out and started to shake my head from side to side, "I don't believe it." I ran up and squeezed him as hard as I could, conscious that my arms just made it slightly past his. He squeezed back.
"C'mon, I'll introduce you to my son."
I followed him.
There, sitting on a bench, a tiny figure, wheat blonde, with piercing blue eyes.
"This is my son." I could hear the pride in his voice.
I crouched down to his level as he sat, "Oh look at those blue eyes of yours," I was incredulous, "just like your daddy's." I said looking backwards and catching the eyes of the man.
The tyke began to mumble nervously. "What's your name?"
"Patwick."
At that I stuck out my hand to shake his, "Well, I'm very happy to meet you Patrick, my name's Brenda." This as I took his tiny, soft hand in mine.
"Where is the rest of your brood?" this to the big man.
"Well, we had a kind of blowout and I put her on a plane back east to her parents." shaking his head, he had a stunned look on his face.
"Oh, it'll all work out, just give people time, you'll see."
"Uh, no, I don't think so." and his gaze turned "far-away"
I knew that look...from long ago, he was emotionally pained.
"Sooo, what brings you here?" trying to snap him out of it.
"We are looking for a new razor for me." I smiled, he did look a bit ragged at the jawline.
"Well, I have to get back, so you will drop by and see me?"
He hugged me again, and I rubbed the little one on the back.
"You made my day." I said as I backed away, "I don't want to leave you here!"
"It's o.k., I'll call you."
"Awesome."
"You didn't recognize me and you haven't changed a bit, you're still the same."
"Well, you're being kind as usual."

So strange...I finally turned my back and retraced my steps.
When I returned, "Who was that Bren?"
"My second husband." I croaked.